


the only way to lose that fearful feeling (replace it with love that’s healing)

by arachnistar



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Set after 2x19 Sabotage, could also be canon divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 21:48:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15204164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arachnistar/pseuds/arachnistar
Summary: “I thought I was going to die alone.”After Geoffrey Hoytsman is arrested and the paperwork finished, Amy goes to Jake’s apartment to talk.





	the only way to lose that fearful feeling (replace it with love that’s healing)

**Author's Note:**

> 75% of this was written in a flurry of creativity while waiting for the bathroom and then edited after rewatching the episode so here's to unexpected angsty one-shots. Takes place after Sabotage, could be a missing scene or canon divergence, your choice. 
> 
> Title is from Heavy by Birdtalker which has been a constant companion to me in these past dark weeks.

 

The face that greets Amy at the door isn’t the face of the man she’s familiar with. This face is grim, eyes shadowed and red, framed by hair sticking out in every direction. He’s still dressed in the same red hoodie from earlier though he’s traded his jeans for sweats. The smell of alcohol hangs off him.

When he speaks, his voice is scratchy and coarse. “Now isn’t really a good time, Santiago.”

“I can tell,” she gives him another glance over and then nods resolutely, “But I’m here for you.”

Jake doesn’t budge from the doorway. His eyes are focused on her face, flicking across it like he’ll find some answer written there. She doesn’t know what he’s searching for but she gives him a small, reassuring smile and hopes it’s enough.

“Can I come in?”

Amy almost thinks he’ll refuse. It’s been a rough day and she wouldn’t begrudge him a desire for solitude, even if she thinks being alone is the last thing he needs right now. But he doesn’t. He steps back and motions her to come inside.

She does, shutting the door behind her. The space feels cramped, tight and brewing with the kind of energy Amy has spent years ignoring, and simultaneously infinite, like anything can happen tonight. She pushes the prickling feeling away and follows Jake to sit on the sofa. There’s an empty beer bottle abandoned on the ground and a second half-empty sitting on the table near-by. 

“How are you doing?”

Jake shrugs. “Alright.”

Her brows lift. She knows opening up is tough for him, that his earlier apology for being a jackass had been an impressive display of sincerity coming from him, one that she appreciated, but he’s so blatantly not alright at the moment that she almost can’t believe he’d try lying about it. 

“Jake – “

“Amy, why are you here?”

“I told you, I’m here for you. If you want to talk about what happened.”

He’s quiet. She waits and when it doesn’t seem like he’ll talk, she adds, “Did you really doubt that we cared?”

Jake doesn’t answer. He’s staring off at the far wall, past it to some place Amy can’t see, his hands tangled together, fingers twitching. But otherwise, he’s unmoving. It’s strange to see him so still. Unnerving.

Amy gingerly places her hand, steady in a way that he needs and she doesn’t quite feel deep down, on his forearm. His body stiffens and the air thickens around them, the way it does right before a storm.

“I’m your partner, Jake. And your friend. I’m always going to have your back.”

“Yeah.” He gets out, word rough.   

She slides her hand down, running along the soft fabric of his hoodie, until her fingers touch bare skin. After a moment of her hand resting over his clasped ones, he unwinds his fingers and turns them, grabs her hand in a crushing grip. She squeezes back, lets him feel the pressure of her presence there. She’s here. She has his back. He has to know that. 

They hold hands for a while in silence, Amy’s thumb stroking small circles against his skin. Then, voice almost too quiet to hear, like it costs him something to admit it:

“I thought I was going to die alone.”

Amy’s chest tightens. There’s a deep ache somewhere in the center, as if someone’s swung a crowbar into her repeatedly. She takes a beat to respond, to think about her words and make sure her voice is steady. “You won’t. There are too many people who care about you. You have the Nine-Nine. Rosa. Terry. Charles. Captain Holt. Gina. Hitchcock and Scully.” He snorts. A pause. She squeezes his hand again and in a different tone, one loaded with a range of unspoken emotions, says, “Me.”

Finally, finally, he turns his head to face her. His lips are still set in a tight line but his eyes are blown wide, scared and awed. The air shifts around them, there’s the crackling of static in the air, a dozen little collisions building up a charge waiting to flash between them. All it would take to set it off, to start a chain reaction that she has so often dreamed about, is one movement. Several inches of space gone in an instant, their lives eternally altered. She could move forward right now and kiss him.

She wants to.

But it’s not the right time.

He’s still reeling from the kidnapping. He’s hurting and vulnerable and she can’t take advantage of that. She made rules about dating cops. He’s her friend and she can never do anything to endanger that.

All those things matter.

She doesn’t want them to, but her desires don’t change facts.

Jake leans closer, she can feel his breath on her face across the remaining gap, the alluring warmth of his face drawing her in, the almost-brush of his lips that she can’t be sure actually happened, he’s so close – and she pulls back, just enough so he knows. Something, disappointment, sadness, flickers in his eyes and he looks down at their entangled hands. It feels like someone’s driven a knife into her heart, worse actually because she’s the one driving it into his. But there’s a list of reasons why this is a bad idea and only one, not even a list, of why it’s a good one.

She bites her lip. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

He echoes back. “I’m sorry.”

They sit in silence, the energy still there, drawn tight, begging for release, for connection between the two charged sides. He’s not looking at her anymore but she can still feel the heat of his hand in hers.

Amy should leave. They can forget this ever happened and go back to the way things have always been between them. They’ve always been good at that. But Jake’s shoulders are hunched together and he’s got a frown pulling at his face and he’s her friend. She can’t leave him alone. She doesn’t want to.  

“How about I make some dinner for us?”

His head whips around. There’s a moment where his throat bobs up and down, jaw working to complete sentences he doesn’t actually utter, and then he says, “Are you trying to murder me too?”

There’s a strain in his voice, an unfamiliar note to otherwise familiar banter. But she seizes on to that lightness, tries to retreat from the tension still crackling between them.

“Ha ha. Why not try some gratitude, Peralta?”

“Oh, do you usually thank your attempted murderers?”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s not that bad.”

“I won’t even justify that with an answer.”

“Fine. We can order pizza… if that’s okay with you?”

He stares at her. She sits there and resists the urge to curl away from his intense gaze. They’ve had pizza before, at the precinct and camped out on his sofa with bad movies playing on the television. It shouldn’t feel as weighty as it does to ask him now. And yet.

“Yeah, okay.” A pause, an unspoken agreement to put the earlier incident to rest. To forgive. But not to forget; it’s impossible to forget what could have happened, what doors could have been opened or friendships altered. “But I get to choose where and what.”

“Don’t say – “

He smirks. “Sal’s, Meat Supreme, display temperature.”

She groans but nods her head and a grin bursts out on his face. It’s almost normal.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to chat with me about peraltiago/b99/anything else, you can find me on [Tumblr](http://proofthatihaveaheart.tumblr.com/).


End file.
